staythin

03:41 pm: yesterday was fucking horrible.....i had idk how much i felt miserable and disgusting. and this morning i thought i was screwed because my dad was like let go out to breakfast as a family and i was like oh shit because we were going to bobevens then i texted my bestest text buddy and she said to get the yogurt and fruit platter it worked out great i barely touched my yogurt and had like melons and grapes and such....then we went to walmart i was so excited cuz my dad got me an itouch ahh i love it but even better i got this scale that tracks my weight loss and bmi and you put in you goal weight and it counts down to it....i was really dissappointed though when i was 124.2.....and only like a week ago i was 117....so that was real discouraging but im on my weigh back to being in control and that is great.

*alsoif u are in to v

06:14 pm: fuck
ok so im officially pissed i dont have any fucking time to read your entries because im not even on my computer because well it doesnt have the internet for some effing reason and well it really upsets me because they are so motivating. we lost fucking power last night and i binged all day then took like 12 lax it was terrible and i binger earlier too it sucked i havent ate anything since around prolly 1 and i dont plan on it i so hate myself right now and i was doing so well idk grrrrrrr im so angry hopefully ill have the internet tonight to read ur posts

thinking of you guys, seriously

08:12 pm: 121 ibs
140 cals
all liquid fasted all day

02:47 pm: september 10th 2009 5:48pm
ok so today has went fairly well im on a fast till 6 which will make 24 hours i dont really feel any desire to eat right now so ill prolly fast another day maybe more. i was really excited about breaking my pleateau so idk im just kinda going with the flow. i took a really hot shower and ended up like sitting at the bottom for like a half hour...i was getting really lightheaded...idk i feel like really depressed im not sure about what but i am...i hope all of you are doing great.

04:43 pm: starting today im gonna wright down my progress in here so i can go back and look for reference

123lbs
280cals

didnt eat till 4:30 done by 6pm

06:33 pm: hi
hi i havent been on here in a while but for those of you who dont know...im hideous and disgusting gross gross gross seriously i just  want to die write now i havent starved in a long time or cut and now im just disgusting im falling apart....does anyone feel the same.

05:43 pm: research
ok so  i was reading on line about starvation and ed and i think even though i cant get rid of my ed but im looking in to try and take more healthy actions in losing weight i was reading how starvation puts the body into a mode that whenever you do eat your body immediately stores the food as fat so i started looking at healthier ways to lose weight......here is what you do

your weight x's 11 = 1st number
your weight x's .40 = 2nd number
add the first number and the second number and that will give you how many calories you need a day if you trying to lose weight you subtract 500 from that number.....i have been trying to eat that or less and also trying to burn at least 500 calories a day 

today:

calories consumed: 816
calories burned: 654

hope you liked this info :]

have a thin evening

07:01 pm: gosh-darnit
ok so todya i tried to do good and i seemed to all through the morning and day time but my mom made this chicken and pepper stir fry kinda stuff and it smelled so good so i ate it and i splurged andhad a chocolate snack pack and a few crackers i kind of guestemated on the chicken and stuff but i guess alot i would feel guilty if i ate more than i thought so yeah but anyways im guessing my total cals for today were 1099 and i walked tons on the treadmil to day and i push mowed which brings me to 1101 cals that i burned today so i guess i canceled out but goodness breaking 1000 is ridiulous i feel like a whale ......i hope alll of yo0u are doing great goodnight LJ

10:34 pm: so  tonight was prom....i didnt have anything all day but i did eat chicken parmesean at dinner and lots of bread and a salad then i had to hersheys cookies and cream candy bars and tons of twilerz and then i ribs when i got home after i know i know ridiculous but it was prom so i was like what the hell and tomorrow i know for sure that im gonna have biscuts and sausage gravy for breakfast tomorrow and after that ill prolly either start restricting or fasting again but i havent decidied everyone complemented me on how skinny i looked in my dress.....i will prolly post a pic on here with in the next few days! i hope you all stay positive and think thin plus my once supportive mom is deciding to take charge and thinks she CAN  control me eating excuse me but thats my WHOLE POINT  what do people or does she just think i starve myself for the hell of it uhhh no DUH!!! idk i just need to be alot more careful and like not count calories or check labels in front of her because she has been freaking out so o and she was like i cant wait till prom is over so you will finally be eating more....AS IF!

05:38 pm: Total today i had 440 cals and i sucked the seasoning off of some doritos and then spit them out....is that calories? anyway idk today was all right i guess i hope you all have a strong night


Survey




1. How long have you had an eating disorder?
prolly off and on for 2 years

2. How tall are you?
5'5

3. What is your current weight?
107lbs

4. What is your highest weight?
130lbs

5. What is your lowest weight?:
105lbs

6. What is your goal weight?
my goal weight is 100lbs

7. Describe your eating disorder experience in three words:
restrict fast fail

8. What factors do you think contributed to your eating disorder?
feeling disgusting, low self-esteem and confidence, extremely self-consious, i always feel everyone is judgeing me

9. If you could go back and change these factors and live life without an eating disorder, would you?
of course

10. What is the one food you can't live without?
brocoli or tangerines

11. What is your drink of choice?
diet coke...im an addict

12. Have you ever been in recovery?
no 

13. Have you ever struggled with other destructive behaviors? (cutting, burning, etc.)
i cut ......sometimes i feel the need to punish myself and would rather feel the pain of that then the pain and guilty thoughts in my head

14. What is one thing that keeps you going strong from day to day?
knowing that by staying strong it will make this all worth while

03:44 am:

come on tasha get it throught your head that you ARE strong enough. ok journal today i plan to eat close to nothing but actually eat...
breakfast- mush 90
lunch- diet coke 0
snack- tangerine 30
dinner- soup 90 or nothing 0 


dont mess up RAURRR who am i kidding

06:14 pm:  well today i was sposed to be fasting but i had a binge of three big scoops of peanut butter i know i know but i just shoved it in my mouth .....it sucks i had such a big craving :[ ... i cut again i have no idea why i am doing it so much lately....idk well i love you all

03:59 am: goodmorning!!!!
 ok well i didnt sleep like at all...but idk i hope everyone has day full of strength and energy i know i know unlikely but i do hope for it :] love you girls

05:15 pm: so  i didnt have one thing to eat all day today and i feel gggggrrrreat well besides the fact that this my first day on this liquid fast and i practically passed out in the shower but you know what who cares if feltttttt great!!!!! umm unfortunately im finding myself cuting more and more offton i really dont understand how i can be in so much pain and so happy all at once but idk.. i love you alll coment me i enjoy communication. and stay strong :]

04:39 am: today!
i am fasting after two days of binging :[ although i am quite excited and super curious how i managed to lose a pound after 2 days of binging but whatever. good luck ladies. stay strong! 

10:07 pm: HORRIBLE
i binged

im fat
im disgusting
im depressed
im nasty
and horrible
a cow is my equal
this is freakin ridiculous 
i guess i have just been so down because of the loss of my friend...and the fact that i havent lost anything in forever sure as hell doesnt help much....idk im not gonna eat anything tomorrow and im not kidding ....absolutely nothing...dude my stomach is hurting worse then it ever has i dont know if its from how much i ate or the 5 laxatives i took....not kidding im so afraid ill gain and i hope not i havent eaten over 400 cals this whole week till today :[ give me strength girl i love you 

04:36 pm: so today
i broke down it was horrible but i came home and took a nap and felt better...after that i push mowed my grandmas yard...it took about an hour and a half and burned 427 calories....so far today i ate 319 calories.......feeling a lil depressed i love you alllllll

peace

04:26 am: goodmorning
well i woke up today still havent lost anythings it really quite aggravating but my weight seems to do this alot and then once i reach a certain point it starts to drop rapidly....so i hope that will happen SOON!  ok but one of my friends commited suicide and well im one of the ppl her family asked to lead the casket to the cemetary i really do have a fear of death to a certain extent maybe not acturally dying but idk just being around feels like everything is falling apart so its prolly gonna be a rough day.....on the bright side though at least for me is in time of tragedy i focos on the only thing i can control...(what i eat)  i just had a piece of toast 50 cals. i hope everyone has a good day. i know im  not :[ and im so glad that i have you guys that i can vent because there is absolutely no one else that could understand my ed.  thank you all. keep me posted about how your day is going. stay strong. stay beautiful.

HUGS TO EVERYONE :] 

09:48 pm: so  hey girlies ummmm today didnt go too terrible i totaled 290 calories today but....unfortunately my weight has not budged all though i did get some compliments today :] i also burned 79 cals yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
goodnight

03:30 am: morning

so i woke up one again i think i appear thinner but that scale just wont budge....any way i had half an english mufffin and a tangerine............90 calories...i hope everyone has a good day :]

stay strong lovelys